Mummy stuff

A better mum

 

snc10066111 weeks into motherhood and of course, I am moaning about sleep deprivation, weepiness and weight gain. Sometimes I am not even sure if I would have embarked on this adventure, if I had known how much our lives would change. But then I look into those bright blue eyes and sink my nose into the creases on her neck and know: this is all I ever wanted. And more.

 

We all have our baggage to carry, and mine includes a father that disappeared, an unloving mother and an emotionally abusive stepfather. As a result, I am not on speaking terms with my parents anymore.

My recent trip down memory lane did not only bring back memories of an unsettled childhood, it made clear how much I urge to have my own family, make things right, do it better. Of course, make it right and better first of all for little L, but also for my own sake. Without intending to make her part of it, little L plays a major role in the ‘healing process’. And I am happier than I ever imagined being.

For 31 years, finding excuses for my parents has been easy for me: They would have had their reasons. They had been young. Life wasn’t easy and tough decisions needed to be made.

And then I fell pregnant.

The thought of abandoning my child was getting more and more unthinkable, the further my pregnancy progressed. How could anybody watch children being harmed and turn away?

After years and years of yearning for the unreachable love of my mum, I cut the cord. I am not only free of a very unhealthy relationship, but also free of an incredible amount of negativity and people that drag me down.

My love for little L is growing day by day. And the excuses for my parents’ behaviour run out at the same pace that my love for my daughter grows. I don’t know if I’d kill for little L, but I would most certainly die for her. And I can only hope to be a better mum.

10 Comments

  1. What a beautiful post. I understand what you are saying, my parents, especially my dad, both weren’t the best parents. Although I haven’t cut them out of my life, I feel whatever contact I have with them isn’t what “normal” contact and love is. I try not to stress over it, but I made the same vow to have my daughter never feel the way they have made me feel at times. Good luck 🙂

  2. Lovely post Met-Mum, although I’m so sorry to hear of your own unsatisfactory relationship with your parents. Now that you’re a parent yourself, it must constantly bring difficult emotions to the fore.

    My own mother had quite a troubled childhood. Although she was much loved and cared for by her wonderful father, her mother was bi-polar and spent much of my Mum’s childhood in hospital. My brother is also bi-polar so having seen some ‘manic’ episodes first-hand, I can only imagine how terrifying they must have been for a child to witness. Like you though, my Mum was determined to do better for her own children (there are 4 of us). Consequently, she turned into unequivocably the best mother in the world (voted not only by me but anyone who meets her).

    11 weeks into motherhood, you already sound like you are doing a brilliant job of raising little L and I know will fulfil your promise to be the best mother she could possibly have.

  3. Lovely post – know exactly what you mean about feeling like you would die for your child – I never imagined how that would feel…always thought it was just something cliched to say and then when my eldest was a day old and was taken away screaming to have some injection I understood how it felt. A Mother’s feelings are so powerful – it’s always difficult to understand, as in your example, a mother who doesn’t have those feelings for her child. Hats off to you for coming out of it full of love for you own child xx

  4. Motherhood makes so many things clearer, in lots of different ways. It may go either way I guess, it made me appreciate my mother’s life more than I ever did before. Too late though unfortunately. I hope Little L will help you heal every day a bit more.

  5. Your post strikes a cord with me. Well done for having the courage to let the connection go.

    It baffles me how my mother was never in my corner. I only hope my relationship with my own children is loving and open.

  6. @Margarita: I think this is part of growing up – having a look at the relationship we are having with our parents and picking what we want to pass on and what not.

    @Home Mum: Sorry to hear that about your family. And good to hear at the same time, that your mum turned her experiences into positive energy – after all it is possible.

    @Maternal Tales: Honestly, when we went to get the 8-weeks-immunisation, I wanted to jump at the nurse. I never heard little L cry like that before and I am already dreading next week’s appointment.
    It’s sad that my mum apparently never felt these feelings. Sometimes I think of it as a missing gene.

    @A Modern Mother: Who would have thought what motherhood had in store for me?! Every day seems to have a little surprise for me…

    @Cartside: Sorry to hear about your loss! I have always been close to my grandma, but motherhood made me being even closer to her. At 94, she doesn’t have too much time left to spend with us. But better late than never…

  7. @Kat: I know how awful that feels, I truly do! Being aware of what we experienced and having a clear vision of how we want things to turn out does help, I feel.

  8. I read this post last night and then went to bed and couldn’t stop thinking about it. It almost brought me to tears, and was both very sad but also so heart-warming that you have a little girl to love and cherish and do anything for. xx

  9. @Elsie: That’s the hormones 🙂
    Holding little L is such an amazing feeling. I feel so very lucky to have her.

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