Already as a child I was sure about wanting to become a mother one day. I always had a very distinct wish to become pregnant, give birth, care and love for the fruit of my loins. Even if that would have meant sleeping with my gay best friend or buying some Papa Frost sperm.
Aged 32, I became pregnant with little L in June 2008 – surprisingly and against all odds. Despite my almost lifelong and very sincere wish to become a mother, I was scared, overjoyed and shocked in equal measures. My life was going to be turned upside down and round and round.
The most shocking bit: the sudden end to a lifelong longing for babies. Almost as sure about wanting to have a baby, I used to be sure about wanting to have at least two children. However, my urge to add to the world population has completely evaporated since little L was born.
Don’t get me wrong – by no means has little L’s entrance into our life put me off. She is 100 percent perfect. She is kind and funny, absolutely gorgeous and very well tempered. I could not wish for a more beautiful child.
It is just that my hunger for having a baby is… satisfied. I have absolutely no clue where this feeling headed off to, but I am not the least bit broody anymore. Do you think it will ever come back?
Sometimes I feel like I should become pregnant again to provide a sibling for little L. But I don’t think this argument would be enough. Enough to get me through feeling sick and tired during pregnancy, enough to let me endeavour sleepless nights and tearful days, enough to make me offer my breasts to a newborn for another six months or more.
Whenever I felt exhausted and slightly depressed in the first few months after giving birth to little L, I had one very uplifting and comforting thought that made it easy to carry on: I wanted this baby so so much and so so very dearly. I absolutely cannot imagine how I would have coped without this thought to fall back on.
On a more superficial note, I just love having my body back. After battling with an eating disorder for most of my life and finally making peace with my body about five years ago, I finally like the skin I am in. Feeling at home in my own body is a fairly new thing to me. And I think I am going to enjoy this feeling a little bit longer, before everything goes down south naturally anyway.
So, here I am: Metropolitan Mum, mother of one. And for now, I am perfectly happy.