Some time ago, I wrote a post about how, with the birth of my first and so far only child, any broodiness had left this weary body of mine completely.
And despite about a million people telling me so, the longing, yearning, all-consuming desire to reproduce has not set back in. There is, however, a very distinct wish to add to the family. Yes, I want another child. I just don’t want another baby.
I can see myself with two children; I think it would be brilliant for little L and also for the balance in our family. I just can’t see myself being pregnant again, let alone spending my nights awake, nursing a newborn. The thought of it alone makes me rub my red-rimmed eyes.
I remember feeling exhausted and isolated during the first year of motherhood. Whilst my biggest challenge consisted of steering a Bugaboo with one hand and clinging on to a Starbucks paper cup with the other without covering either the baby or myself in cafe latte, my old friends’ lives just went on. Dinner parties, career changes and social gatherings still all happened – without me though. It took me a long time to find new routines, find time for myself and for Big M and me as a couple. It also took me a long time to find out what I wanted to do with my life, having just stepped off the corporate ladder.
I don’t want to jeopardise any of these things. And let’s be honest, newborn babies, no matter how gorgeous they are and how good their little newborn heads smell, have the turning-life-upside-down potential of a nuclear catastrophe.
The good thing though is that when you are in the eye of the hurricane, it doesn’t feel like a complete blow. Well, at least not all of the time. Nature in its wicked way will have you flying high like a kite on all sorts of hormones (at least until their levels crash down after a few weeks – and your mood with them) and you’ll be feeling blissfully outer worldly. Coming to think of it, it might also be extreme sleep deprivation that creates this effect; I am not sure and more than unwilling to test this here and now.
About ten months ago, I had a conversation with Big M along the lines of the above. We declared our relationship to be pregnancy- and baby-free for exactly another year and then just go for it. Close our eyes and jump. I guess I hoped for that crazy broody feeling to come back, to stop me questioning what feels like the right but also the most difficult thing to do. Only two more months to go till D-day. Argh.