Little L has been three months today. Striking a balance under the past three months seems to be almost impossible, as life without her is close to unimaginable. Again, I am surprised by how true it is what everybody says: once your baby entered your life, life without her seems like a distant memory. And: it does get easier with time.
I have been tagged by Rachel Pattisson. Thank you, Rachel, I am honoured and more than happy to complete the task.
On the fitness front, I am more than proud of myself. Went to another class of mummy & me yoga. Joined the gym. Parked little L in the crèche for 60 minutes twice in one week. Didn’t start to cry when handing her over to the carers. And only once jumped hysterically out of the pool and ran dripping wet to soothe my allegedly mummy-missing baby after misinterpreting an announcement. To my defence: the speakers are rubbish, I had water in my ears and the girl behind the micro was chewing on a blanket, it seemed.
Have you ever been on a blind date with more than 17 participants? Well, I just came back from one. I was looking forward to this date with great anticipation, threw on my newest frock (Peggy ordered to buy one and off I went) and even applied some fake tanning lotion to my legs to look my best. Unfortunately, the self-tanning effect only kicked in a few hours after application, i.e. when lunch was served. I officially apologise to Being a Mummy to my left and Big M to my right for the biscuitty smell that developed slowly but steadily from underneath the table during mealtime.
Hurray! I found a nice gym with a nice crèche. So nice in fact, that I’d rather spent my hours sitting in the crèche than on the gym floor, but I guess I have to grow up here. I will have my fitness assessment (uh-oh…) tomorrow, and for the first time in her short life, little L will be looked after by strangers for a total of 60 minutes. If mummy doesn’t burst into tears and rescues her before the time is up, that is.
Finally, I am not only allowed to drive again, I also feel capable of doing so for the first time in 10 weeks. In addition to the constant headache, sleep deprivation gives me the feeling of having a major hangover – without having had the fun of getting insanely wasted the night before. I don’t know if I am actually feeling better, or if I am just getting used to feeling spaced out all the time. What I definitely won’t get used to is being constantly weepy. It’s pathetic, really. There is not a single day where I won’t shed a few tears.
What? It’s Wednesday again? Where has the week gone? I blame my virtual absence on the great weather and the fact that I got more confident in taking little L out. We had a blast attending coffee mornings, picnics and going for walks. Almost bursting with pride, I paraded my beautiful social butterfly in her pram, dressed to the nines in Petit Bateau (little L, not me), making the most of the sunny days. Well, almost.
Little L was five weeks last Tuesday, and somehow it feels as if she’s been with us forever. Life without her is a distant memory and seems as long ago as a restful night. At the same time everything is still brand new and she surprises us every day with another trait of her personality shining through. I could gaze at her for hours and hours, feeling so blessed and lucky to have her. Of course, she is the most perfect, amazing, beautiful and smart little creature the world has ever seen, and I am almost bursting with pride. Vowing to respect her privacy, I have to fight against the urge to plaster this blogg with her pictures.
We are having a couple of exhausting days. Lots of screaming – or should I say shouting? barking? – as soon as I try to put little L down for only a second. The only thing that seems to sooth her is my nipple in her mouth, her little body clutched closely to my chest. We went from feeding every three to four hours to nonstop feeding. And as quickly as my sleep deprivation increases, my sanity goes out of the window with every new feed. Only a few weeks into little L’s life and I already feel like a failure. Why can’t I give her what she needs?
To my own surprise, I slept like a baby the night before our dreaded Post Date Clinic appointment. Apparently Big M soaked up all my frustration and my anxieties, as he was rolling from one side to the other and muttering in his sleep. Honestly, I think I would have gone mad by now, if he wasn’t at my side.