Little L was five weeks last Tuesday, and somehow it feels as if she’s been with us forever. Life without her is a distant memory and seems as long ago as a restful night. At the same time everything is still brand new and she surprises us every day with another trait of her personality shining through. I could gaze at her for hours and hours, feeling so blessed and lucky to have her. Of course, she is the most perfect, amazing, beautiful and smart little creature the world has ever seen, and I am almost bursting with pride. Vowing to respect her privacy, I have to fight against the urge to plaster this blogg with her pictures.
Even in school I have never been good in either keeping up chain mail (hence my seven years of unluckiness regarding questions of the heart) or taking awards with pride. It embarrassed me when my mum showed pictures of me on stage in my tutu to strangers, or when she framed and wall mounted newspaper articles featuring her offspring.
When you are about to have a baby, everybody is trying to warn you about sleep deprivation. But I didn’t really understand what they meant unless I got there. And maybe this is a good thing; as to me having very disrupted nights feels like constant torture, like someone hitting me constantly on my head.
When my big brother recently mentioned one of the songs we loved to listen to and sing along to as children, I thought he was going to get me in the mood for some good old sentimental dwelling on the past. I should have known better…
Last night – just as almost every night since little L started visibly moving in my belly – I was taking turns with Big M in tickling her right foot and rubbing her tiny back through my skin…
What is it with the NHS and midwife shortage in this country? How come they abandon you when you could need a little advice and hold you in their tight grip when you just want some peace and quiet?
I know, I shouldn’t be saying this and rather be valuing the precious
time I have left with little L as long as she is still in my tummy.
And I feel awful enough about it. But I think I have had enough now.