The other day I have been awarded twice. Just in time to cheer me me up in all this mummy-madness. And because I am sleep deprived beyond believe, I am going to keep it short and sweet:
Little L was five weeks last Tuesday, and somehow it feels as if she’s been with us forever. Life without her is a distant memory and seems as long ago as a restful night. At the same time everything is still brand new and she surprises us every day with another trait of her personality shining through. I could gaze at her for hours and hours, feeling so blessed and lucky to have her. Of course, she is the most perfect, amazing, beautiful and smart little creature the world has ever seen, and I am almost bursting with pride. Vowing to respect her privacy, I have to fight against the urge to plaster this blogg with her pictures.
Even in school I have never been good in either keeping up chain mail (hence my seven years of unluckiness regarding questions of the heart) or taking awards with pride. It embarrassed me when my mum showed pictures of me on stage in my tutu to strangers, or when she framed and wall mounted newspaper articles featuring her offspring.
We are having a couple of exhausting days. Lots of screaming – or should I say shouting? barking? – as soon as I try to put little L down for only a second. The only thing that seems to sooth her is my nipple in her mouth, her little body clutched closely to my chest. We went from feeding every three to four hours to nonstop feeding. And as quickly as my sleep deprivation increases, my sanity goes out of the window with every new feed. Only a few weeks into little L’s life and I already feel like a failure. Why can’t I give her what she needs?
When you are about to have a baby, everybody is trying to warn you about sleep deprivation. But I didn’t really understand what they meant unless I got there. And maybe this is a good thing; as to me having very disrupted nights feels like constant torture, like someone hitting me constantly on my head.
I know, I shouldn’t be saying this and rather be valuing the precious
time I have left with little L as long as she is still in my tummy.
And I feel awful enough about it. But I think I have had enough now.