Mummy stuff, Pregnancy

36 weeks pregnant: hit by a tractor

I am knackered. In fact, I am so majorly knackered that I managed to miss Vogue’s Fashion Night Out despite being ON Bond Street last Thursday. I had been about two hours early. And that’s where the problem lay. Don’t laugh. If you were carrying what feels like a watermelon between your legs – a watermelon that randomly stabs you into your intestines – you wouldn’t find the thought of killing time on Bond Street that appealing either.

I had great plans for the evening: first Mulberry, followed by Jaeger-LeCoultre, then Kat Maconie at Mistress in Covent Garden. I didn’t make any of the aforementioned. Instead, I ventured (read: waddled) down to the Little House Mayfair, sunk back into one of their plush velvety club chairs and ordered a drink. If you must know, it was a rather tame Virgin Mary, albeit so spicy that I thought I’d go into spontaneous labour.

I didn’t. I was joined by Big M and asked for a table for dinner (just realised that this sounds as if I wanted to eat a table – no such cravings, may I reassure you). Which we were given under the polite request to give it back by 9pm. People. Seriously. I am huffing and puffing with every step. I look like a pumpkin on legs. I can hardly lace up my own shoes without wanting to throw up. Do you really think I’d be keen on sitting through a three-hour meal? Of course we’d given it back by 9pm!

It’s not been the waiter’s fault though. Although pregnancy is a century old practice (we’ve been doing it for a while now, haven’t we), people are mostly unaware of how shit you can really feel once knocked up. It’s hard to imagine how much pregnancy screws with your body. And it does – especially when you are past the 30-year mark. Most of us are living in denial when it comes to acknowledging the horrors of pregnancy; and the majority of us suffer from at least partial amnesia. Thinking I’ve survived it once and hey, how bad can it really get? is borderline insane (I am including myself here). A male friend of mine calls pregnancy ‘the most selfless thing a woman can ever do’ – when all he really wants to say is ‘you guys are completely nuts.’

What can I say? I am sitting here on the sofa with my massive bump, rubbing my aching back and can’t wait for the baby to come out. I must have forgotten that initially, it will get even worse when the baby is here.

Hormones. It must be the hormones.

On a side note: Fearne Cotton’s recent statement that she wouldn’t go mumsy and wear maternity clothes (no elasticated waist bands for Fearne then) had me in fits of giggles. The words ‘in for a ride’ and ‘no clue’ spring to mind… Good luck to her!


  1. Completely agree about the amnesia. And poor deluded Fearne. I remember trying on really fitted maternity jeans 12 weeks in and loving them. Eventually friend convinced me to wait till I was actualliy showing before buying and I’m so glad she did. The jeans I ended up getting where huge and I’d even outgrown them when it came to the last weeks! I do plan on getting them out again for christmas dinner though.. 😉 Hope your last few weeks are not too uncomfortable!

  2. @Honest Mum: On the upside, it’s down to women like her (and us, really) that the human race isn’t completely extinct by now. If it was down to men to reproduce, this planet would be a lonely one…

  3. well you still look great!

    I was going to try and go Vogue etc too but events slightly took over- but I don’t have the pregnancy excuse, just the bonkers family excuse!

    Not too long to go now xx

  4. And you still look great! At the same stage of pregnancy I looked blumming awful! I do remember it well though and it wasn’t easy. Thankfully, not long to go. Hurry up – I want baby pics!

  5. I think I must have suffered amnesia at least three times. One time I was to dumb to no any better. THe worst is not getting enought sleep and when the head is hanging so low in the pelvis it is so painful to walk. Hang in there!

  6. Yup, I smiled at Fearne’s comment too…first time mums eh!!

    Was just thinking of you the other day and thinking to myself that it couldn’t be long for you now….long enough though I am sure!!

    Take care XX

  7. There is definitely pregnancy amnesia. Every time I was pregnant (three) I got to about week 5 and then remembered how awful morning sickness can actually be. It was all downhill from that point too!

  8. I also had forgotten how sluggish and tired I got at the end. Hang in there, at leat you had a date, both of mine were overdue and although I did choose to wait rather than get induced earlier I was running on empty!

  9. I dunno, I have to say I was one of those women who didn’t have morning sickness and quite enjoyed being pregnant especially being able to stuff my pie hole. But yes, the birth bits have mercifully been lost to the mists of amnesia. I do admire women of ye olden days who pushed out eight or more kids. Those ladies were really selfless saints.

  10. You’re still looking radiant though, nearly full term so not long now!

    Fearne is deluded…

    I quite liked being pregnant, I felt far less bodily self conscious oddly.

  11. I’m going to be watching Fearne’s maternity choices intently from now on, watching for her to slyly tug on a pair of elasticated skinny jeans. It’ll be interesting to see what she wears as she gets bigger and bigger.

  12. I know to appreciate the middle stage that I am currently in at just under 21 weeks because I know this is coming to me too! Oh the joy. I hope you get some last minute whirlwind energy that hits some pregnant women in the last weeks!

    Ps. completely agree with you on Fearne Cotton’s statement. Very easy to say when you are only a few months along!!! She’ll be out and about in sweatpants before we know it ha ha

  13. This time around I didn’t actually wear any maternity tops just normal clothes in a size up! However……. I couldn’t have worn anything but maternity trousers. By the end I lived in my H&M materniy leggings. They were sooooo comfy. Fearn Cotton will learn!

  14. Althought much less uncomfortable, breastfeeding is worse. I can remember my childhood and surname, for the rest I work with an advanced post-it system.
    Hormones. It must be the hormones.

  15. I felt awful throughout most of my second pregnancy – a sort of permanently hungover feeling, without having had any of the fun of a great night before!

    I obviously had real pregnancy amnesia as I went on to do it a third time – luckily my third, once I’d got over the most debilitating nausea ever, was better (physically anyway, I was a bit of an emotional wreck though!!)

  16. Katharine says

    I didn’t have any choice about wearing/avoiding maternity wear as I had twins. However I am with you on the having to abandon plans, the lovely plans I had to waft around London doing cultural and interesting and fun things before the baby (or indeed babies) came went away pretty quickly as by about 20 weeks I felt so lumbering and tired.

    I did go to a wedding at 36 1/2 weeks and stayed till after midnight whilst wearing heels and that felt like such an achievement.

  17. ok who is this fearne woman??? i gotta follow that!
    i think around 36 weeks was when i called it a day on the whole pregnancy thing, thats def when things started taking a turn for the worse. although i have had it so easy i guess its about time. at 38 now….i. am. so. over. this. so glad my last day of work is on friday!

  18. My babies are now 25 and 21, but I still remember exactly how it felt carrying that melon between your legs (I love that expression). Poor old Fern will learn…when I was at your stage we decided to take a short break in Normandy, but it was quite hot and I had dreaded varicose veins (too much info?) and had to wear some kind of elasticated cut-off sports stockings. By this stage of the pregnancy they were badly frayed at both ends, but didn’t I care, and wore them together with a sundress and flip-flops. The French did give me sideways glances as I proudly waddled in my odd get-up into the boulangerie….

    Good luck and rest now before the baby comes, you’ll only regret it if you don’t. 😉


  19. Oh yes, pregnancy amnesia. Mine’s not that complete which is why I’m not yet seduced by the idea of no. 3! And don’t blame yourself about FNO, I couldn’t be arsed to drag my non-bumpy self there either even though theoretically I wanted to and had a friend performing at Kenzo.

    Fearne, bless her x

  20. I don’t want to split hairs, because you’re probably full of pregnancy hormones and will burst into tears, but I have to take that risk, because you made me chuckle. I think you meant that pregnancy is a “centuries old practice”, not a “century old” one. Had me wondering how they reproduced prior to 1912.

  21. I totally understand, I have the Watermelon between the legs and rib stabbing as well. Midwife tells me that the head is 4/5ths engaged so its going to get worse! How long have you got now?

    I hadn’t heard that Fearne Cotton is going to not go mumsy……. I’ll watch with interest.

  22. Pingback: 37 weeks pregnant: blooming, really | Metropolitan Mum

  23. Fearne’s comment made me smile too….I am 22 weeks pregnant with no3 and even the maternity clothes feels a bit uncomfortable…;) My boys have been just under 11 lbs so can’t really say I look blooming marvellous in pregnancy..more rather blooming enormous…;) Take care x

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